J10. Shadow

Acrylic on canvas featured in the artists book “daybreak” with this poem:

For nearly quite some time

I've lived in her shadow
and I finally think
I know how she feels
living up to impossible expectations given less than

minimum return being told
you're given the world all the while

there's nothing in your hands He's holding on to hurtful words until he's just drunk enough
to laugh them off
about the kitchen
and your place in it
and how you could never actually do it all
how you owe him everything

and your support system is so small you owe him
what he paid for
so stay pretty

like a doll
and your presence
is required
put on your best behavior and I know that
she was tired
it's exhausting
being everything
for a man
who's a provider
only providing one thing separate lives
on the same sheets
and for a while
the only escape was sleep but he lets go for a while so you take it to the streets you get a drink

and meet a smile
remember what it feels like
to be admired
notice your life is so small
it's a cycle
it's a spiral
but you take to
bar time laughs
and sad truths
about how lucky he is to have you now it's her shadow that I'm back to and if history repeats
he will blame it all on me
When he explains
that I was boring
he'll forget to mention
that's what he wanted me to be when he says I was distant
he'll forget to mention
that I begged
for his time and attention
until my lungs were weak

her shadow
became my backbone if I'm going to be lonely I'd rather be alone